[ While still unsure of things exactly, Z walks over to sit by her side, keeping the bare minimal amount of space between them. He wants to touch her, but he doesn't feel like she'd like it. He isn't sure. ]
Noth-- [ she starts to say before she glances at him, jaw working for a moment.] I'm tired. [ There's some honesty.] Today was awful. Every part of it. [ Every little bit of it.] And that thing with my aunt... it sucked. I know why it was like that but it still... sucked.
[ He sighs, looking at his hands on his lap. ] I'm sorry. About that. I know I didn't react... well.
[ Still, he knows it was the only way he would react. He's terrified of being written up, of losing his job, of having to go back to a meaningless life with computers as his only companions. He can't do it. ]
I know. I don't blame you for reacting that way, it's not like I want her telling my dad that I'm involved with a teacher. I'd be on the next plane home, [ she says it quietly even if she knows she doesn't care if her dad knew. But she knows why he reacted the way he did, it would have surprised her if he'd reacted any other way, to be honest. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt a little.
She reaches out to take his hand.]
Why do you want to be with me, if it has to be like this? It's not worth the risk, right? [ But she really means is: I'm not worth the risk, right?]
[ He looks down at their hands, turning his over so he can slide his palm against hers, slotting their fingers together. ]
Most of me wants to say it isn't. But you - you make me happy. And I know it sucks, and I'm sorry I'm not a student and I can't give you what you want. I get it, if you don't want the hassle. But... it's worth it, because I feel - right. When we're together.
[ A part of her thought this would be a movie moment, where he'd say the right thing and things would be okay, that he'd say she was worth the risk (even if that was an unfair expectation this early in their... fling) But instead his words sting.
She pulls her hand from his, standing and looking at him--] 'Most of you'... So 'most of you' thinks we're a bad idea. So I only make a little part of you happy then? Why would you listen to that small part of you? [ She runs her hands over her face, wincing when she hits the gash.]
[ He frowns deeply, shaking his head when he looks at her. ]
What? No! That's absolutely not what I'm saying, Charlie! [ He stands too, feeling frustrated with her seemingly deliberately misunderstanding him. ]
I'm saying that you make me happy. The whole of me, even if I know it's a fucking bad idea. When I'm with you, I don't care. [ He starts off sounding annoyed, but deflates as he speaks, ending with his voice gone soft again. He waits to see what she answers before saying anything else - he's not here to fight, but she might be angling for one, and if she is, he resolves not to let it happen. ]
[ Charle's not that kind of girl. She doesn't pick fights for the sake of having one. If anything, she avoids them as much as she can. She hides and ignores and deflects. That's her specialty.
Her mouth twists as he corrects her and she blinks rapidly because tears suddenly want to fall and she refuses to let them fall in front of him or anyone else. She's already been someone's'fucking bad idea' before and for some reason, instead of it being a turn on or hot, it really, really stings.
Which is ridiculous, this is just a fling. This is just a teacher making himself happy with a student and it'll end soon enough, right? This shouldn't matter to her. This shouldn't be any different than Knox or Jay or anyone else she's hooked up with. This shouldn't hurt any more than Arel's kind let down had. And yet, it does and her mouth presses together for a moment.]
I'm sorry, [ she says quietly, moving to sit back on her bed like her body weighs a hundred pounds more than it does.] I'm just... tired and feeling raw here. And I'm not asking you to put anything on the line for whatever this is between us. I'll never ask you that. [ That is, at least, while she tries to convince herself this is a casual hookup.] I'm not that kind of person.
[ Z exhales softly, his heart hurting at the tone of her voice. He's upset and hurt her, he realizes that - but he doesn't know how to fix it. How to make it better, without exposing himself to the scrutiny of everyone.
He drops to his knees in front of Charlie, looking up at her. She's not telling him what's really underneath all of it - there has to be something more, but he has no idea what it is. Fact is, this is no casual hookup to him, and he thought she knew that. ]
I know you're not asking me that. I'm doing it because I want to. Relationships are about compromise, right? You're compromising a lot for me. [ He looks down for a moment, shame flushing his cheeks. ]
I'm no good at - this, talking, saying the right things, expressing myself. But I want to be with you. I know it's not - how you want it. But that doesn't make it any less true.
[ Relationships? The word catches in her mind and she looks at him as he kneels before her, as he goes on like... Okay, so maybe she knew that he wanted more than just a casual thing. Maybe that's something she knew from the beginning and had sensed, maybe that was why she went along with this, why she sought him out after that first time.
He goes on and her brow furrows, still trying to get over the first hurdle.] So... [ How does she put this delicately...]
You want to be with me? You want this to be more than... just a hook up? [ Since when did anyone want that with her?] You want more than just friends with benefits?
[ His tone is gentle when he speaks next, even if he's still frowning, still bothered that the first thing she thought he wanted was a casual hook-up. Like he'd do that with a student. ]
Charlie, if I wanted something casual, I wouldn't be here right now. Why would I go for a one time hook-up with a student? It would be much simpler with a teacher. [ He shakes his head, feeling once more like he's saying the wrong thing. ]
What I mean is... I'm risking a lot to be with you, but I want to do it. I wouldn't bother if I wasn't serious about it.
[ Charlie almost laughs because this whole conversation reminds her of Darcy and Elizabeth, the way Darcy somehow manages to declare his love for her while insulting her at the same time.
It's close but not quite, he's trying and she can appreciate that. When he asks why he would go for a hookup with a student, she wanted to point out that some people would think that sort of setup is the appeal. Because it's 'wrong' and the power dynamics. Because simple is far less hot than complicated. But she's not quite ready to talk him out of things.
Still, she looks at him--] You shouldn't. [ She glances down. For all her outward confidence, she's raw and real in this moment, her vulnerabilities shine through in this moment as she admits that--] I'm a mess, why would you risk so much for me? [ No one wants to be 'serious about it' with her.]
[ He lets out a small breath, a light chuckle escaping him. ]
Because I'm such a shining, well-adjusted individual, myself.
[ There are plenty of reasons to take her up on this. To stand up, turn away, move on. Make a better choice - healthier, less risky, less dangerous for his career.
But none of it is very compelling, either. ]
Do you not want me? Because if you don't, then I'll leave you be. But when it comes to me, I've made my choice. I'm not backing out now.
I never said that, [ she murmurs, looking at him disapprovingly for putting words into her mouth, basically. But still, he said he made his choice and while it might sort of sound like some kind of death sentence, there he is, saying that he isn't backing out. And there's a little part of her that holds a flicker of hope, that he means what he says, that he won't back out, as he says.
But something might come up in the future to change that and she'll hit that hurdle when it comes.]
Good. [ He reaches up, taking her hands in his, still looking up at her from his position on his knees. He smiles, a little crooked, before sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. ]
It's not going to be easy every day, but I think it's worth it. You - [ He reaches up again, this time tucking some of her hair behind her ear, fingers trailing along the shell of it. ] - you're worth it.
[ She hadn't been expecting this. Hadn't been expecting him or anyone like him. She went into this thinking that she'd have some fun, she'd get it on with a teacher and there'd be some hot classroom sex and then he'd move onto someone new or get bored and she could start this over again with some other person.
He looks at her like she's worth it and that's how she believes him. She just doesn't know where this is going or if it can ever go anywhere but here. And Charlie's never really been concerned with the future or at least, she tries not to be. ]
Okay, [ she murmurs. She can't return the sentiment because this isn't a risk in her eyes, she doesn't see it as something that needs to be 'worth it' but that's the power dynamics at play. He could lose a lot because of that.
She turns her head to press a kiss to his palm before she draws one of her legs up slowly, then the next, giving him room to move out of the way.] The make up sex is probably going to have to wait... [ Because he can probably tell she looks even more exhausted then when he first came into her room.] Can you stay or do you need to go help?
[ He laughs, heat blooming on his cheeks - he honestly hadn't really thought of make-up sex. ]
I have to - my lab's been trashed, and you look like you haven't slept in days. So it's probably for the best if I... [ He gestures with his thumb towards the door, even if he wishes he could just curl up with Charlie in his arms in bed, and lull her to sleep.
He doesn't really get to have that luxury. Not now, anyway. ]
[ She can't hide her disappointment well in the state she's in. She's not so selfish as to demand that he stay with her until she falls asleep. The school must be in shambles and there are people who will need his help. Still, she wishes he would stay, she wishes that she could ask him to. And most of all, she wishes that it didn't feel like everything they'd just gone over didn't mean anything because of his leaving.
She's tired and she feels herself crashing into that unreasonable level of thinking that comes with exhaustion so she nods, moving further back on her bed.]
Yeah, yeah, of course. I'll talk to you later. [ She pauses.] If you find anyone who needs a place to crash, my roommate went home before all of this so... [ She's alone in the room for now.]
[ Without saying anything, he watches her withdraw from him, disappointment clear on her face, and his heart breaks for her. He straightens up, and immediately leans in, cupping her neck, thumb pressing into her jaw as he kisses her, not as chaste as he feels it should be. When he pulls back, he rests his forehead against her for a moment. ]
[ She leans into the kiss, she's not upset with him for leaving after all. And when he pulls back to apologize, her brow furrows and she shakes her head as best she can.] Don't be sorry. [ She offers him a brave smile.] I'm just going to be sleeping and people need your help. [ And all she needs is someone to hold her, there's not any comparison. She's not being a martyr when she says these things.]
[ Keeping his hand around her neck for a moment longer, he gives her a serious look. ]
I'll be back.
[ Under different circumstances, he might have said these words as a joke, maybe with a terrible Schwarzenegger impression. But not now, not when she obviously is upset about things. Not giving her a chance to reply, he kisses her forehead, lingering for a moment before taking off through the electric system, disappearing down a plug socket. ]
[ And if he'd made that joke, she would have made a Hamilton related joke right back at him, in a different moment, when she was feeling less drained.
She gives him her best smile as he pulls back and then disappears into the plug which is probably the weirdest exit she's ever experienced and fascinating at the same time. She moves to crawl under her blankets, turn off her bedside lamp and try to keep her post-shift tremors at bay before she falls asleep.]
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What's up?
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[ Still, he knows it was the only way he would react. He's terrified of being written up, of losing his job, of having to go back to a meaningless life with computers as his only companions. He can't do it. ]
I just - she could get me fired.
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She reaches out to take his hand.]
Why do you want to be with me, if it has to be like this? It's not worth the risk, right? [ But she really means is: I'm not worth the risk, right?]
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Most of me wants to say it isn't. But you - you make me happy. And I know it sucks, and I'm sorry I'm not a student and I can't give you what you want. I get it, if you don't want the hassle. But... it's worth it, because I feel - right. When we're together.
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She pulls her hand from his, standing and looking at him--] 'Most of you'... So 'most of you' thinks we're a bad idea. So I only make a little part of you happy then? Why would you listen to that small part of you? [ She runs her hands over her face, wincing when she hits the gash.]
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What? No! That's absolutely not what I'm saying, Charlie! [ He stands too, feeling frustrated with her seemingly deliberately misunderstanding him. ]
I'm saying that you make me happy. The whole of me, even if I know it's a fucking bad idea. When I'm with you, I don't care. [ He starts off sounding annoyed, but deflates as he speaks, ending with his voice gone soft again. He waits to see what she answers before saying anything else - he's not here to fight, but she might be angling for one, and if she is, he resolves not to let it happen. ]
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Her mouth twists as he corrects her and she blinks rapidly because tears suddenly want to fall and she refuses to let them fall in front of him or anyone else. She's already been someone's'fucking bad idea' before and for some reason, instead of it being a turn on or hot, it really, really stings.
Which is ridiculous, this is just a fling. This is just a teacher making himself happy with a student and it'll end soon enough, right? This shouldn't matter to her. This shouldn't be any different than Knox or Jay or anyone else she's hooked up with. This shouldn't hurt any more than Arel's kind let down had. And yet, it does and her mouth presses together for a moment.]
I'm sorry, [ she says quietly, moving to sit back on her bed like her body weighs a hundred pounds more than it does.] I'm just... tired and feeling raw here. And I'm not asking you to put anything on the line for whatever this is between us. I'll never ask you that. [ That is, at least, while she tries to convince herself this is a casual hookup.] I'm not that kind of person.
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He drops to his knees in front of Charlie, looking up at her. She's not telling him what's really underneath all of it - there has to be something more, but he has no idea what it is. Fact is, this is no casual hookup to him, and he thought she knew that. ]
I know you're not asking me that. I'm doing it because I want to. Relationships are about compromise, right? You're compromising a lot for me. [ He looks down for a moment, shame flushing his cheeks. ]
I'm no good at - this, talking, saying the right things, expressing myself. But I want to be with you. I know it's not - how you want it. But that doesn't make it any less true.
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He goes on and her brow furrows, still trying to get over the first hurdle.] So... [ How does she put this delicately...]
You want to be with me? You want this to be more than... just a hook up? [ Since when did anyone want that with her?] You want more than just friends with benefits?
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Charlie, if I wanted something casual, I wouldn't be here right now. Why would I go for a one time hook-up with a student? It would be much simpler with a teacher. [ He shakes his head, feeling once more like he's saying the wrong thing. ]
What I mean is... I'm risking a lot to be with you, but I want to do it. I wouldn't bother if I wasn't serious about it.
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It's close but not quite, he's trying and she can appreciate that. When he asks why he would go for a hookup with a student, she wanted to point out that some people would think that sort of setup is the appeal. Because it's 'wrong' and the power dynamics. Because simple is far less hot than complicated. But she's not quite ready to talk him out of things.
Still, she looks at him--] You shouldn't. [ She glances down. For all her outward confidence, she's raw and real in this moment, her vulnerabilities shine through in this moment as she admits that--] I'm a mess, why would you risk so much for me? [ No one wants to be 'serious about it' with her.]
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Because I'm such a shining, well-adjusted individual, myself.
[ There are plenty of reasons to take her up on this. To stand up, turn away, move on. Make a better choice - healthier, less risky, less dangerous for his career.
But none of it is very compelling, either. ]
Do you not want me? Because if you don't, then I'll leave you be. But when it comes to me, I've made my choice. I'm not backing out now.
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But something might come up in the future to change that and she'll hit that hurdle when it comes.]
I do want you.
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It's not going to be easy every day, but I think it's worth it. You - [ He reaches up again, this time tucking some of her hair behind her ear, fingers trailing along the shell of it. ] - you're worth it.
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He looks at her like she's worth it and that's how she believes him. She just doesn't know where this is going or if it can ever go anywhere but here. And Charlie's never really been concerned with the future or at least, she tries not to be. ]
Okay, [ she murmurs. She can't return the sentiment because this isn't a risk in her eyes, she doesn't see it as something that needs to be 'worth it' but that's the power dynamics at play. He could lose a lot because of that.
She turns her head to press a kiss to his palm before she draws one of her legs up slowly, then the next, giving him room to move out of the way.] The make up sex is probably going to have to wait... [ Because he can probably tell she looks even more exhausted then when he first came into her room.] Can you stay or do you need to go help?
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I have to - my lab's been trashed, and you look like you haven't slept in days. So it's probably for the best if I... [ He gestures with his thumb towards the door, even if he wishes he could just curl up with Charlie in his arms in bed, and lull her to sleep.
He doesn't really get to have that luxury. Not now, anyway. ]
But, we can... I don't know. Later? Do something?
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She's tired and she feels herself crashing into that unreasonable level of thinking that comes with exhaustion so she nods, moving further back on her bed.]
Yeah, yeah, of course. I'll talk to you later. [ She pauses.] If you find anyone who needs a place to crash, my roommate went home before all of this so... [ She's alone in the room for now.]
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I'm sorry. I'll be back in a bit, okay?
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I'll be back.
[ Under different circumstances, he might have said these words as a joke, maybe with a terrible Schwarzenegger impression. But not now, not when she obviously is upset about things. Not giving her a chance to reply, he kisses her forehead, lingering for a moment before taking off through the electric system, disappearing down a plug socket. ]
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She gives him her best smile as he pulls back and then disappears into the plug which is probably the weirdest exit she's ever experienced and fascinating at the same time. She moves to crawl under her blankets, turn off her bedside lamp and try to keep her post-shift tremors at bay before she falls asleep.]