[ His jaw ticks when he clenches it, a flare of anger taking over for a second before he lets it go, breathing through it. ]
I'm not fucking ashamed of you. How many times am I going to have to say it before you start believing it?
[ Well, that sounded more annoyed than he wanted it to. But he's tired of this discussion. He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing again, softer this time. ]
Charlie. It's not about you, okay? It's not. It's me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not shame. It's... society.
Whoa, I was just teasing you-- [ Except she wasn't and she knows he knows she wasn't. Her chat with Jaden has made her insecure all over again. The teachers here were shameless about their involvement with students, why couldn't Z be too?
She'll realize later that it makes him a better person than those other teachers, in a way. She lets out an exhausted breath and lays back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling so she doesn't have to look at him or face his frustration with her own, reasonable frustration.
She waves her fingers in the air like a conductor of some invisible orchestra, her lips drawn into something close to a frown.]
No one here cares, yanno. But I know you do so I'll shut up. 's fine. 's totally fine.
[ A few words tumble over in his head as he looks at Charlie lie down on her bed, looking for all she's worth like some Shakespearean tragedy heroine - in a plastic dress, that is. ]
If it's so hard for you to be with me, we can just - not, you know.
[ That's not what he wants to say, but it comes out, through frustration, some fear. Tired of having the same conversation over and over. He's being petty and just as childish as she is, but he's tired. ]
You can find someone you can be in public with, if that's all you care about. Obviously what I can offer you is not enough.
[ At his words, she sits up quickly, ready to snap back something in response but immediately she feels dizzy, immediately she feels a little sick. She pauses for a moment, looking as though she might either throw up or pass out.
Her eyes struggle to focus for a moment before she shakes her head, waving her hand at him.]
That isn't what I said. [ She moves to stand up and immediately regrets it, slumping back onto the bed and leaning forward, burying her face in her hands, feeling unstable even sitting down and unhappy at what he's said.] 'm not that shallow. [ Didn't he know that?
She feels the sudden, ridiculous urge to cry and she battles it off, thinking that her mother would be embarrassed to see her like this, acting like this. She lets out an uneven breath--]
I don't think you're shallow at all. [ He speaks softly, his anger draining out of him as quickly as it surged up. He moves around her room, getting a trashcan from under her desk and bringing it to her side before sitting on the bed by her side. ]
I'm just so tired of having to justify myself to you. I know it's not ideal, but it's what I've got to give. Can this be enough? For now?
[ In a peace offering, he lifts up an arm for her to fit under if she so wishes, looking at her with all the sincerity he has. ]
[ She's just drunk enough to speak honestly, in a way that she might have the balls to do if she were sober. She moves to tuck herself beneath his arm, leaning against him.]
'm tired too. [ She sighs the words out, feeling increasingly miserable and dizzy.] I know 'm not a great girlfriend. [ Her eyes close. ] I don't want to date other people... I want to be mutua-mutual-mutually [ She struggles with the word because realizing that isn't the right word at all.]No, no. I want to be exclusive. But I don't like feeling like someone's mistress or somethin' dirty or wrong. I mean my dad would totally kill me if he knew but here it never seemed to matter. [ She rambles and sighs.]
But I know it matters to you and like, I really, really like you. Like totally like you. I dunno what to do. [ And that's the crux of it, the reason she's been acting so... well, uptight.
She likes him more than just "like", she doesn't want to fool around with other people now and the idea of that is scary. So she pushes, prods and tries to get him to commit. Because the whole dirty little secret part of this has stopped being hot and now, she just wants him and wants to love him.]
[ He sighs just as much as she does, but manages not to cut her off, even when he wants to - when he wants to say she's not anybody's dirty secret, but he keeps from it, letting her talks things out for herself.
Then, he presses his lips to the top of her head, gentle, before speaking. ]
You're no one's mistress. It's not like I have anybody else and I have to hide you. And it's not that I think it's wrong, either. It's just... little things. I don't want other students' level of respect to change. I don't want the little jabs, and the comments, and the looks.
[ He noses down to her forehead, kissing her there before continuing. ]
I guess I'm just a bit weak. I'm not strong like you are, and I do care, what others think. And I know you say nobody does give a shit here, but that's not true. Your aunt cares. I want to be able to give you everything, but I know that I can't, right now. I'm not strong enough.
[ His lips feel very nice against her forehead, so very nice.... She struggles just a little to keep up with what he's saying, although when she realizes that he's basically calling himself a coward, she moves to sit up more, dragging herself upward so that she's not slumping against him.]
But you're not weak, Z. [ She wants him to feel better, she doesn't want him to feel like he's a coward or anything other than wonderful. Even drunk, she feels like garbage for making him feel that way.
And maybe she's just expecting life to be like the movies and books, that somehow he would say fuck that haters and be proud to be with her. But this is real life. It doesn't work that way. There are rules and things that are set. This is life where love doesn't solve everything, where people you care about ditch you or die.
Charlie knows better than anyone that you don't usually get what you want. Not exactly. ] I'm just... [ Fuck it, lay it all out there. And so, she rambles, a little nonsensically.] I'm gonna be in heat soon and like... 'm freaked out and How am I supposed to hide this-- [ she waves between them, her hand feeling entirely too heavy.] The other wolves will know. Jaden said he would help me but he has, like, the best girlfriend and he's just being nice and I'm just tired of meaningless hookups. And it's not like I can stay with you or you can stay with me... [ Sighing dramatically, she slumps back against him.]
[ He feels like he's just been punched in the face, and like he missed a couple of important things in that speech of hers. What?
Leaning over to her bedside table, he grabs the bottle there, and hands it to Charlie.]
Can you - backtrack? You're going into heat?
[ That is. Well. He should have, possibly, thought about it, considering she's a werewolf. But still, part human. Humans don't have heat, they just get horny. If that's... He opens his mouth, then closes it again. There's a lot to unpack here, but most importantly, something to note. ]
You can stay with me, if you need. We just need to be discreet about it.
[ She takes the bottle from him to take a sip but he seems to be stumbling over what she just said. Oh right, that's probably not something she should have shared. Wait... she's at a magical school, going into heat isn't that weird so scratch that first thought.
She shakes her head at his question.] Not right now probably in like... [ She closes one eye as she tries to do the math, drunk.] Two weeks? Two'n'a half. [ At his suggestion, she shakes her head, taking a long sip of water and moving away from him a bit.]
Nope, can't stay with you. [ She wags a finger at him.] You can't handle that level of cray.
No, like, [ she makes a face, although she's a bit pleased by that exclamation as an affirmation that he does care about her.] I don't 'prefer' that. [ She uses air quotes with one hand, the other is still clutching the water.
And in case he hasn't noticed, drunk!Charlie uses a lot of verbal crutches. ]
'm just saying you don't want me staying with you because, like, 'm gonna be crazy. Like jealous and moody and like so horny. Like a level of horny and needy that isn't even funny. [ She looks at him, a little bleary eyed.] And if you didn't like me tonight, if me "questioning" you pissed you off... it's gonna be worse. Forget about asking about dates, 'm gonna ask for, like, babies and a full commitment and other shit that'll drive you nuts.
[ She's not trying to drive him away, she's drunkenly trying to set expectations, to make him understand how nuts things might get. And if he couldn't handle her asking for something as a date, in public, without getting frustrated, things are about to be more intense.]
[ Fuck. He doesn't want to have that conversation right now, when she's drunk and feeling vulnerable. Of all the times where he's thought he's taking advantage because she's younger and he's in a position of authority, right now is the worst. She's fragile and she's needy and he's taking it all in like he can't get enough, which is absolutely unfair.
And now she's talking about how much worse it's going to get, and they really need to have this conversation when she's fully herself. Right now is just... not right. ]
Okay. Okay, I think you really need to - sleep this off. And then we can talk about it again, okay? When you're sober.
[ She makes a slight face of disapproval because... she just laid a bunch of shit out there and he just... brushed it off? That sucks. Of course, she's a little too drunk to realize that he's being completely rational and reasonable not to mention responsible. This is a big conversation.]
Fine. [ She answers sourly, mostly because anytime she's vulnerable with anyone, this kind of thing happens (not always true). Taking another long sip of water, she retreats from him and moves to get on her bed better. And somehow, she has the wherewithal to keep the sarcastic Whatever YOU think is best comment to herself despite thinking it.]
[ In moments like these, when she pouts and gives him the cold shoulder, he's reminded of how young she ism and the pang in his stomach hurts a little.
He stills tucks her into bed at the best of his ability, and drops a lingering kiss on her forehead. ]
Let's talk again when you're sober, okay? You know where to find me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm not fucking ashamed of you. How many times am I going to have to say it before you start believing it?
[ Well, that sounded more annoyed than he wanted it to. But he's tired of this discussion. He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing again, softer this time. ]
Charlie. It's not about you, okay? It's not. It's me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's not shame. It's... society.
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She'll realize later that it makes him a better person than those other teachers, in a way. She lets out an exhausted breath and lays back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling so she doesn't have to look at him or face his frustration with her own, reasonable frustration.
She waves her fingers in the air like a conductor of some invisible orchestra, her lips drawn into something close to a frown.]
No one here cares, yanno. But I know you do so I'll shut up. 's fine. 's totally fine.
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If it's so hard for you to be with me, we can just - not, you know.
[ That's not what he wants to say, but it comes out, through frustration, some fear. Tired of having the same conversation over and over. He's being petty and just as childish as she is, but he's tired. ]
You can find someone you can be in public with, if that's all you care about. Obviously what I can offer you is not enough.
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Her eyes struggle to focus for a moment before she shakes her head, waving her hand at him.]
That isn't what I said. [ She moves to stand up and immediately regrets it, slumping back onto the bed and leaning forward, burying her face in her hands, feeling unstable even sitting down and unhappy at what he's said.] 'm not that shallow. [ Didn't he know that?
She feels the sudden, ridiculous urge to cry and she battles it off, thinking that her mother would be embarrassed to see her like this, acting like this. She lets out an uneven breath--]
I don't wanna fight. All I 'anted was you.
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I'm just so tired of having to justify myself to you. I know it's not ideal, but it's what I've got to give. Can this be enough? For now?
[ In a peace offering, he lifts up an arm for her to fit under if she so wishes, looking at her with all the sincerity he has. ]
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'm tired too. [ She sighs the words out, feeling increasingly miserable and dizzy.] I know 'm not a great girlfriend. [ Her eyes close. ] I don't want to date other people... I want to be mutua-mutual-mutually [ She struggles with the word because realizing that isn't the right word at all.]No, no. I want to be exclusive. But I don't like feeling like someone's mistress or somethin' dirty or wrong. I mean my dad would totally kill me if he knew but here it never seemed to matter. [ She rambles and sighs.]
But I know it matters to you and like, I really, really like you. Like totally like you. I dunno what to do. [ And that's the crux of it, the reason she's been acting so... well, uptight.
She likes him more than just "like", she doesn't want to fool around with other people now and the idea of that is scary. So she pushes, prods and tries to get him to commit. Because the whole dirty little secret part of this has stopped being hot and now, she just wants him and wants to love him.]
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Then, he presses his lips to the top of her head, gentle, before speaking. ]
You're no one's mistress. It's not like I have anybody else and I have to hide you. And it's not that I think it's wrong, either. It's just... little things. I don't want other students' level of respect to change. I don't want the little jabs, and the comments, and the looks.
[ He noses down to her forehead, kissing her there before continuing. ]
I guess I'm just a bit weak. I'm not strong like you are, and I do care, what others think. And I know you say nobody does give a shit here, but that's not true. Your aunt cares. I want to be able to give you everything, but I know that I can't, right now. I'm not strong enough.
[ He is a coward, and he knows it. ]
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But you're not weak, Z. [ She wants him to feel better, she doesn't want him to feel like he's a coward or anything other than wonderful. Even drunk, she feels like garbage for making him feel that way.
And maybe she's just expecting life to be like the movies and books, that somehow he would say fuck that haters and be proud to be with her. But this is real life. It doesn't work that way. There are rules and things that are set. This is life where love doesn't solve everything, where people you care about ditch you or die.
Charlie knows better than anyone that you don't usually get what you want. Not exactly. ] I'm just... [ Fuck it, lay it all out there. And so, she rambles, a little nonsensically.] I'm gonna be in heat soon and like... 'm freaked out and How am I supposed to hide this-- [ she waves between them, her hand feeling entirely too heavy.] The other wolves will know. Jaden said he would help me but he has, like, the best girlfriend and he's just being nice and I'm just tired of meaningless hookups. And it's not like I can stay with you or you can stay with me... [ Sighing dramatically, she slumps back against him.]
I need water.
no subject
[ He feels like he's just been punched in the face, and like he missed a couple of important things in that speech of hers. What?
Leaning over to her bedside table, he grabs the bottle there, and hands it to Charlie.]
Can you - backtrack? You're going into heat?
[ That is. Well. He should have, possibly, thought about it, considering she's a werewolf. But still, part human. Humans don't have heat, they just get horny. If that's... He opens his mouth, then closes it again. There's a lot to unpack here, but most importantly, something to note. ]
You can stay with me, if you need. We just need to be discreet about it.
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She shakes her head at his question.] Not right now probably in like... [ She closes one eye as she tries to do the math, drunk.] Two weeks? Two'n'a half. [ At his suggestion, she shakes her head, taking a long sip of water and moving away from him a bit.]
Nope, can't stay with you. [ She wags a finger at him.] You can't handle that level of cray.
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Does that mean you're going to ask someone else to handle it?
[ Because, excuse you, but while he knows they have rules and shit, that sounds exactly like his worst nightmare. ]
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No... Wait... do you want me to? Find someone else?
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[ The exclamation is sharp and fast. He absolutely does not want that. ]
Absolutely not. It just sounds like... that's what you'd prefer. Like you think I can't take care of you?
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And in case he hasn't noticed, drunk!Charlie uses a lot of verbal crutches. ]
'm just saying you don't want me staying with you because, like, 'm gonna be crazy. Like jealous and moody and like so horny. Like a level of horny and needy that isn't even funny. [ She looks at him, a little bleary eyed.] And if you didn't like me tonight, if me "questioning" you pissed you off... it's gonna be worse. Forget about asking about dates, 'm gonna ask for, like, babies and a full commitment and other shit that'll drive you nuts.
[ She's not trying to drive him away, she's drunkenly trying to set expectations, to make him understand how nuts things might get. And if he couldn't handle her asking for something as a date, in public, without getting frustrated, things are about to be more intense.]
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And now she's talking about how much worse it's going to get, and they really need to have this conversation when she's fully herself. Right now is just... not right. ]
Okay. Okay, I think you really need to - sleep this off. And then we can talk about it again, okay? When you're sober.
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Fine. [ She answers sourly, mostly because anytime she's vulnerable with anyone, this kind of thing happens (not always true). Taking another long sip of water, she retreats from him and moves to get on her bed better. And somehow, she has the wherewithal to keep the sarcastic Whatever YOU think is best comment to herself despite thinking it.]
I'll see you later.
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He stills tucks her into bed at the best of his ability, and drops a lingering kiss on her forehead. ]
Let's talk again when you're sober, okay? You know where to find me.
[ And with that, he's gone. ]