[ The morning after her drunk confession session, Charlie woke up with a bastard of a hangover and a hell of a mood about the way things got left. Even in the light of day ( so fucking bright), she was frustrated that he just ran away from what she'd told him.
Okay, yes, she was drunk but the least he could have done was stay with her! She would have done the same! And she'd laid herself bare in a sense and he'd just... zapped away at the first chance he could.
So after stuffing her face with as much greasy food and water as she could manage and after a long shower, she shelped over to his apartment. And even if at the moment she was pissed off at him, she was careful not t be seen, even as she knocked at his door.]
[ It only took a second for him to look at who was on the other side of the door when he heard a knock, to open it and pull Charlie inside, less gentle than he would want it to be.
He softens it with a smile as he closes the door, raising an eyebrow. ]
Hey. Feeling better? I've got some leftover spring rolls if you want.
[ Basically yoinked into the apartment, she doesn't have the time to complain or even looked shocked when he offers her food and asks after her. The whiplash feels real and she thinks, for a brief moment, this must be how he feels sometimes.]
[ His words break her heart and for a moment, she probably looks like she's been slapped. This isn't what she wants, this isn't what she wants to be perceived as. What have I done, this time?
She can barely look at him now, there's shame and frustration and hurt building up inside of her. ]
I'm not pissed off, [ she says in a voice that is smaller than her own.] I just... [ She doesn't let herself lose her nerve, she isn't that girl. She isn't the one who backs down so that the water stays still and there are no waves. She can't settle, she can't let resentment crush this. And yet, it's clear he resents her honesty.
She moves to sit on the edge of the bed, taking in a breath.]
I hate this. I hate that you just said that. Like I'm this crazy, demanding girlfriend. I'm not. I'm not. I just... I laid myself out there last night and you left. [ Her gaze drops and her brow furrows as she looks at the floor.] I'm hurt. This hurts.
[ This is the thing: he gets constantly frustrated, but he also deflates just as fact, when he sees her like this. He climbs onto the bed, sitting behind her, and pulling her in, kissing her hair. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just - you were really drunk, and needed to sleep, and I needed to look into what you told me. I wanted to make sure I understand it, and that I can be. That I can be there for you, through it.
[ He sighs into her hair, closing her eyes. ]
I don't think you're crazy. You're demanding, but that's not a bad thing. I just... I feel like I'm constantly doing you wrong, and you resent me for it. That you'd be happier with someone else. It fucks me up, and makes me fuck up.
[ He pulls her into his chest and she lets him, relaxing into his embrace as he explains himself. It makes her feel a little better, to know that he went back to his place after to do research. The urge to ask him what he found, to see if he thinks he can do it is high but he moves forward, speaks about he thinks she resents him, that it all fucks him up.
Her voice is soft but assured, her eyes close as she speaks carefully.] I don't resent you... I'm in love with you. Like head over heels. And I wouldn't be happier with anyone else.
[ His stomach drops at her words, surprise seizing him up. He tenses for a second, before manhandling her, turning her around in his arms, his heart hammering in his chest. ]
Even though I can't be as open as you want me to be? Because - fuck, Charlie, but you... I love you too, you know that right?
[ She can't say she's surprised that he turns her around, she moves with him until she's in his lap, straddling it. Her gaze meets with his as he desperately tells her that he loves her too. Smiling almost sheepishly, she shakes her head.]
I wasn't sure. [ She had an idea but she didn't know. ] That's why I was... I was feeling this way and I wasn't sure if you did too and this is, like, hard. You know? Because you... we can't be normal. And all the stuff I do as my love language... [ Yes, she's using terms like love language.] I can't do. [ Like go on dates, post about it on social, be with him whenever she wants.]
If I didn't love you, if I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep this.
[ Reaching up, he tucks some of her hair behind her ear, just to keep touching her - just to keep close, however he can. ]
You don't need to prove to anyone that it's real. You don't need to post pictures, or hold my hand in public, to know it, okay? I know you want to. I know. And one day, one day I swear I'll be everything you want me to be. But I promise you, right now, as it is? It's real. It's really fucking real, you and me.
[ He licks his lips, eyes darting all over her face. ]
I've never much to do things the normal way, anyway. Normal's boring.
[ The issue is, hiding it, hiding it makes it feel shameful, makes it seem like all those lame Lifetime movies her mother used to watch. It was hot, at first, the whole forbidden thing, the whole sneaking around thing but then it became tedious and exhausting when all she wanted to be was normal.
She doesn't say that now because if anyone understands what it's like to be different, he would. ] You already are what I want you to be. [ Her voice is soft and she doesn't look at him then, feeling insecure for not being as confident as he seems to be about... everything. ] My whole life has been a freak show, Z. That's why I try to cling to being normal. Like... this whole heat thing, it isn't normal. It's scary. I don't like the way I feel when it happens.
[ Still holding her close, he takes his time to reply, making sure she doesn't have anything else to add before he gives her his opinion. It might not change the way she feels - hell, he knows it most probably won't, just like if she told him about the way she feels, it wouldn't change his mind, either. ]
This heat thing, it's normal for you. For who you are, and for werewolves. There's nothing wrong with that, and you guys all go through it.
[ Licking his lips, he presses his nose to her forehead for a second. ] Would you rather be human?
That's not an option, [ she murmurs and she knows that to be true for so many reasons. Being a werewolf is so deeply ingrained in who she is. Her family history. And she thinks that even if she had the chance, if were even possible, she couldn't do it, it would be a disservice to her mother's memory, her sacrifice.]
It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has baggage.
[ This is what he was getting at. Accepting that this was the life she had and it made it normal to her; nobody else matters. ]
Do you resent it? Being a werewolf?
[ He leans in, forehead against hers. ]
We all have baggage. And mine fucks us up a lot more than yours does. But hey, if I can be there for you during this heat thing, I will be, okay? I gathered that it's not going to be easy, especially since I'm not a Were. But we can try?
It's my life. I don't know anything else. I don't know if I can resent it.
[ She was born this way, she hasn't lived another life, a life without being a wolf to know what it would be like. It's deeply ingrained in who she is but at the same time, she's never been comfortable in it, not like some of the wolves here.
Her eyes close as his forehead presses to her own, as he speaks and tells her that he'll be there for her during the heat.]
Okay, [ she smiles slowly as her eyes open to meet with his, trying to lighten the mood somehow, feeling vulnerable and afraid of it going wrong.] If you think I'm a horny teenager now... Just wait. Better start hydrating now, babe.
[ She is a better person than he is, thinking this way; this life is the only one Z has ever known, but he resents plenty of it - he resents himself in plenty of ways, too. Call it self-loathing, and it was, in some ways, but he found it easy to be angry at what he was.
But it might be better to focus on the heat thing. He raises an eyebrow, pursing his lips together as he thinks on it for a moment, before talking. ]
So, run me through it. What should I expect? [ Besides a lot of sex, if he's got things right. ]
[ For all the ways Charlie could be immature at times, she also had a wisdom that came with experiencing more of life than someone her age should. She'd grieved for a mother torn from her and came to accept that life happened to you whether you liked it or not. And there wasn't a lot you could do to change it. She believes in fate, in that she has a path built out by the universe that she can only do so much to diverge from.
Being a wolf is who she is, it makes her special even if at times it can be frustrating or scary. She can't hate it, not truly.]
I'm going to be... [ She twists her mouth, finding it hard to expose the truth of what she's like. It's not exactly flattering and she feels the urge to sugarcoat it. But that won't help either of them.]
I'm going to be, like, bipolar. And like I said, I'll be horny. [ She swallows.] But I'm also going to be a bit irrational. I'll be jealous if I smell other people on you. Like possessive in a not chill way. [ She's not the jealous type normally, at least she likes to think she's not.]
I'm going to be focused on... [ She makes a face.] Wanting a baby. You're going to need to make sure you wrap it up-- [ She shakes her finger in the direction of crotch area.] I don't know if it's true or not, I've been told my brother was conceived when my mom was on birth control and in heat. [ She sounds skeptical, mostly because she thinks it was more of way of her father scaring her into trying to be celibate during her heats.]
Just... any of the things I say, the bad things? If I even say them. Just remember it's not me, okay?
[ Z listens to Charlie as she talks, worried but not... overly worried, either. He bites his lip, trying to think things through in a logical way. They can absolutely do this, they just have to be prepared. ]
Okay. So let's make sure we've got plans, okay? I'll get a few extra boxes of condoms, and I'll stock up on food and water and the essentials. Can I go and teach, during this period, or will that drive you crazy? I can take some sick leave.
[ He shouldn't, but at least, if there's something this school is good at, it's being understanding of extenuating circumstances. ]
How long does it last, usually, for you? You sure you're not going to get sick of me?
[ She doesn't know the answer to his first question, to be honest. She's never dated a teacher before, she doesn't usually notice the smells of other students on him because, well, she doesn't try to find them. But who knows what she'll be like...
Still, she's not going to risk him resenting her for any reason.]
No, no, you can teach. [ At his last question, she frowns, drawing him in for a slow kiss.] I'm not going to get sick of you. If anything you'll be tired of me. [ She kisses him again, gently.] Keyword being tired. [ She reaches up to touch his hair, fingers tracing the side of his face and along his jaw, as if she's doing some kind of silent touch incantation, like that will somehow make it so he won't hate her by the end of this.]
Usually only a week or so. [ She looks at him.] Are you sure you want to do this? Because I can figure it out. [ It means sequestering herself with other wolves who will put up with it but that's... not the option she wants. Especially if she wants to stay faithful to him.]
[ He looks at Charlie intently, hand coming up to her neck, thumb moving softly back and forth over her skin. Tangled up like this, the outside world doesn't seem to matter. He knows it does - it's his biggest issue, after all - but when they're like this, he feels like they can fight the whole world and win.
When she emphasizes the tiredness part, Z chuckles, raising an eyebrow. ]
Are we talking athletic, or just constant?
[ he licks his lips, considering her question for a moment. ]
What does figuring it out entail? Finding someone else to fuck you for a week?
[ It feels that way to her too. She feels like sometimes when they are alone together and the outside world isn't there to remind him that this is wrong, that they can do anything they like. She grins at his first question.] A little bit of both.
[ However, his next response is harsh but completely understandable and she doesn't mess around with her answer.]
Yes, basically. I'd try... not to but I can't promise that wouldn't happen.
[ He grits his teeth, the mere thought making him feel sick to his stomach. ]
And you'd rather that, than stay with me?
[ He doesn't think she does, but he wants to make sure. She keeps on asking if he's certain, like there's any choice here for him. There isn't. He is in this for the long haul, and he knows this; all of the wrongness of it notwithstanding. ]
Because I want to be there for you, and I don't want you to be with anyone else. Heat or not, I just... the mere thought makes me sick. But you know this whole thing better than me. If you don't think I can take it, I can't force you to stay.
What? N-- [ Before she can interrupt further, he keeps going, explaining that all that he wants is for her to be with him and no one else, that idea of it makes him feel sick. She moves closer to him, shaking her head.]
No, Z, listen to me. [ Her hands move to his face.] I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go to anyone else either. I don't want to be with anyone but you. [ If he only knew how many people she'd turned down in the past few months who wanted her.]
I wanted to give you an out but I really didn't want you to take it.
[ Looking straight into Charlie's eyes, Z can only hope he looks as sincere as he feels. Because damn, but he does mean every single word he says, and is thinking, and more. ]
I don't want an out. I know I give you the impression I don't want to be with you, but fuck, I do, okay? I want to be with you, every minute of every day. Yeah?
[ Her smile is soft and a little sad, if only because they can't do that, they can't be together every minute of every day like he wants because of him, because of his hangups. But she knows that isn't because he doesn't want her, love her.
She presses a kiss to his lips.] Yeah. [ She affirms that she understands what he means, that he truly means it. Her arms lazily wrap around his neck as her smile turns more smug.] So no outs, no take-backsies. Things might get messy but that doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be with you.
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Okay, yes, she was drunk but the least he could have done was stay with her! She would have done the same! And she'd laid herself bare in a sense and he'd just... zapped away at the first chance he could.
So after stuffing her face with as much greasy food and water as she could manage and after a long shower, she shelped over to his apartment. And even if at the moment she was pissed off at him, she was careful not t be seen, even as she knocked at his door.]
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He softens it with a smile as he closes the door, raising an eyebrow. ]
Hey. Feeling better? I've got some leftover spring rolls if you want.
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I already ate, but thanks.
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Alright. You're obviously pissed off, so have at it. What have I done, this time?
[ The way she constantly wants more from him, at times, is incredibly difficult to deal with. ]
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She can barely look at him now, there's shame and frustration and hurt building up inside of her. ]
I'm not pissed off, [ she says in a voice that is smaller than her own.] I just... [ She doesn't let herself lose her nerve, she isn't that girl. She isn't the one who backs down so that the water stays still and there are no waves. She can't settle, she can't let resentment crush this. And yet, it's clear he resents her honesty.
She moves to sit on the edge of the bed, taking in a breath.]
I hate this. I hate that you just said that. Like I'm this crazy, demanding girlfriend. I'm not. I'm not. I just... I laid myself out there last night and you left. [ Her gaze drops and her brow furrows as she looks at the floor.] I'm hurt. This hurts.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just - you were really drunk, and needed to sleep, and I needed to look into what you told me. I wanted to make sure I understand it, and that I can be. That I can be there for you, through it.
[ He sighs into her hair, closing her eyes. ]
I don't think you're crazy. You're demanding, but that's not a bad thing. I just... I feel like I'm constantly doing you wrong, and you resent me for it. That you'd be happier with someone else. It fucks me up, and makes me fuck up.
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Her voice is soft but assured, her eyes close as she speaks carefully.] I don't resent you... I'm in love with you. Like head over heels. And I wouldn't be happier with anyone else.
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Even though I can't be as open as you want me to be? Because - fuck, Charlie, but you... I love you too, you know that right?
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I wasn't sure. [ She had an idea but she didn't know. ] That's why I was... I was feeling this way and I wasn't sure if you did too and this is, like, hard. You know? Because you... we can't be normal. And all the stuff I do as my love language... [ Yes, she's using terms like love language.] I can't do. [ Like go on dates, post about it on social, be with him whenever she wants.]
If I didn't love you, if I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep this.
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You don't need to prove to anyone that it's real. You don't need to post pictures, or hold my hand in public, to know it, okay? I know you want to. I know. And one day, one day I swear I'll be everything you want me to be. But I promise you, right now, as it is? It's real. It's really fucking real, you and me.
[ He licks his lips, eyes darting all over her face. ]
I've never much to do things the normal way, anyway. Normal's boring.
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She doesn't say that now because if anyone understands what it's like to be different, he would. ] You already are what I want you to be. [ Her voice is soft and she doesn't look at him then, feeling insecure for not being as confident as he seems to be about... everything. ] My whole life has been a freak show, Z. That's why I try to cling to being normal. Like... this whole heat thing, it isn't normal. It's scary. I don't like the way I feel when it happens.
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This heat thing, it's normal for you. For who you are, and for werewolves. There's nothing wrong with that, and you guys all go through it.
[ Licking his lips, he presses his nose to her forehead for a second. ] Would you rather be human?
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It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has baggage.
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[ This is what he was getting at. Accepting that this was the life she had and it made it normal to her; nobody else matters. ]
Do you resent it? Being a werewolf?
[ He leans in, forehead against hers. ]
We all have baggage. And mine fucks us up a lot more than yours does. But hey, if I can be there for you during this heat thing, I will be, okay? I gathered that it's not going to be easy, especially since I'm not a Were. But we can try?
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[ She was born this way, she hasn't lived another life, a life without being a wolf to know what it would be like. It's deeply ingrained in who she is but at the same time, she's never been comfortable in it, not like some of the wolves here.
Her eyes close as his forehead presses to her own, as he speaks and tells her that he'll be there for her during the heat.]
Okay, [ she smiles slowly as her eyes open to meet with his, trying to lighten the mood somehow, feeling vulnerable and afraid of it going wrong.] If you think I'm a horny teenager now... Just wait. Better start hydrating now, babe.
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But it might be better to focus on the heat thing. He raises an eyebrow, pursing his lips together as he thinks on it for a moment, before talking. ]
So, run me through it. What should I expect? [ Besides a lot of sex, if he's got things right. ]
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Being a wolf is who she is, it makes her special even if at times it can be frustrating or scary. She can't hate it, not truly.]
I'm going to be... [ She twists her mouth, finding it hard to expose the truth of what she's like. It's not exactly flattering and she feels the urge to sugarcoat it. But that won't help either of them.]
I'm going to be, like, bipolar. And like I said, I'll be horny. [ She swallows.] But I'm also going to be a bit irrational. I'll be jealous if I smell other people on you. Like possessive in a not chill way. [ She's not the jealous type normally, at least she likes to think she's not.]
I'm going to be focused on... [ She makes a face.] Wanting a baby. You're going to need to make sure you wrap it up-- [ She shakes her finger in the direction of crotch area.] I don't know if it's true or not, I've been told my brother was conceived when my mom was on birth control and in heat. [ She sounds skeptical, mostly because she thinks it was more of way of her father scaring her into trying to be celibate during her heats.]
Just... any of the things I say, the bad things? If I even say them. Just remember it's not me, okay?
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Okay. So let's make sure we've got plans, okay? I'll get a few extra boxes of condoms, and I'll stock up on food and water and the essentials. Can I go and teach, during this period, or will that drive you crazy? I can take some sick leave.
[ He shouldn't, but at least, if there's something this school is good at, it's being understanding of extenuating circumstances. ]
How long does it last, usually, for you? You sure you're not going to get sick of me?
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Still, she's not going to risk him resenting her for any reason.]
No, no, you can teach. [ At his last question, she frowns, drawing him in for a slow kiss.] I'm not going to get sick of you. If anything you'll be tired of me. [ She kisses him again, gently.] Keyword being tired. [ She reaches up to touch his hair, fingers tracing the side of his face and along his jaw, as if she's doing some kind of silent touch incantation, like that will somehow make it so he won't hate her by the end of this.]
Usually only a week or so. [ She looks at him.] Are you sure you want to do this? Because I can figure it out. [ It means sequestering herself with other wolves who will put up with it but that's... not the option she wants. Especially if she wants to stay faithful to him.]
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When she emphasizes the tiredness part, Z chuckles, raising an eyebrow. ]
Are we talking athletic, or just constant?
[ he licks his lips, considering her question for a moment. ]
What does figuring it out entail? Finding someone else to fuck you for a week?
[ It sounds harsh, but he needs to know. ]
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[ However, his next response is harsh but completely understandable and she doesn't mess around with her answer.]
Yes, basically. I'd try... not to but I can't promise that wouldn't happen.
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And you'd rather that, than stay with me?
[ He doesn't think she does, but he wants to make sure. She keeps on asking if he's certain, like there's any choice here for him. There isn't. He is in this for the long haul, and he knows this; all of the wrongness of it notwithstanding. ]
Because I want to be there for you, and I don't want you to be with anyone else. Heat or not, I just... the mere thought makes me sick. But you know this whole thing better than me. If you don't think I can take it, I can't force you to stay.
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No, Z, listen to me. [ Her hands move to his face.] I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go to anyone else either. I don't want to be with anyone but you. [ If he only knew how many people she'd turned down in the past few months who wanted her.]
I wanted to give you an out but I really didn't want you to take it.
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I don't want an out. I know I give you the impression I don't want to be with you, but fuck, I do, okay? I want to be with you, every minute of every day. Yeah?
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She presses a kiss to his lips.] Yeah. [ She affirms that she understands what he means, that he truly means it. Her arms lazily wrap around his neck as her smile turns more smug.] So no outs, no take-backsies. Things might get messy but that doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be with you.
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